If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
You Might Also Like
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
The Friday File.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20