If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.