@clarkekant: If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?
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@Roweboat13G: For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
@tastefactory: Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me. Guard: Oh, we're not electrocuting you... *college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
@Spaced_Cowboy00: I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
@ericsshadow: Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.