@clarkekant: If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?
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@joeljeffrey: The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
@thestlouisan: [Texting] WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6? ME: He's too young for coffee W: Coffee's for me M: Where's the comma? W: M: Hello?
@ComedyAndTruth: Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: "Your gums are bleeding because you don't floss."
@vexroid: Cell phone. Recliner. Beer. Not at work. This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.