Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
You Might Also Like
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Wise advice
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.