If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.