@abbycohenwl: Date: I’m not into public displays of affection Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

@aldenskii: *in an interview* Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job. Applicant: 5-7PM po. Me: Applicant: 8PM. Me:

@donni: Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

@Scott_A_Gilmore: Oh look! A guy with "Stand-Up Comic" in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back. That's never happened before.

@ASmallFiction: "Surprise!" they yelled as he came in. He screamed. "Happy birthday!" they said. "Do I know you?" "No. We're just excellent surprisers."