@shutupmikeginn: There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

@LnL245: [Checking in at Comic Con] Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay? Me: Seven months A: *Hands me a badge marked "Casual"*

@lildandeli0n: *Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door* *Lets nature run its course*

@iresurfaced: I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn't break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.

@Stexcy: Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.