If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.