@celticrose2312: I bought shampoo for "badly behaved" hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.

@deedles420: men are so lucky they don't have to sit down to poop.

@ClichedOut: [blind date] HER: I love classic rock. ME: (trying to impress) I've been to Stonehenge.

@kelownagoose: Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.

@omerwahaj: If at first you don't like the beard on your face, don't worry; it will eventually grow on you.