If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.