“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE