(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
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asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?