@JasonIsbell: If y'all are gonna insist on calling those things "hoverboards," I'll be over here flying around with my "jetpack."
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@robdelaney: It's normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
@HousewifeOfHell: My kid's latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
@fro_vo: [job interview] Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word Me: yes i've heard that word many times