Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
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Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I love wikipedia
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.