If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
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Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Noted.
$4 #usedbooks
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?