@ElizaBayne: If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
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@chuuew: [baby taking first step] ME: OMG! He's doing it! BABY: My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic
@PoliUncorrect: I'm mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don't tell me how hard your life is
@Dutch_50: I'm at that age where I can't simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: You only half-listen to me. You're in a boatload of trouble. Me: Yes, let's buy a boat.