If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
#Caturday
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.