If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
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You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.