@Donna_McCoy: If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you're a bad cook.
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@PerkyandSaggy: *Girl opens Xmas present* "Why'd you get me carrots and lettuce?" "Wait but that means-" *Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees? Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born 5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
@LuckoftheDraw86: Don't over-share. Don't over-share. Don't over-share. Don't over-share. Don't over-share. HI I'M A NERVOUS POOPER. ... Nailed it!
@taylortomlinson: I like horror movies because it's the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly