If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training