If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
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[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
This is my favorite one of these!
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.