@SortaBad: "If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead" - brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
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@GlennyRodge: "My dog's learning to speak a foreign language." "Español?" "No, he's a labrador."
@electrolemon: i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
@Smooheed: Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
@Storminika: Me: 'Why are you going through my phone?' BF: 'Do you have something to hide?' Me: 'I'm gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.'