If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I have two kinds of followers
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Okay me first
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
<—- homeless romantic
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.