If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
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If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
lol
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene