If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
You Might Also Like
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married