rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
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When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.