I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
You Might Also Like
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.