Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now