@cameronesposito: "If you are fat you will die," said the thin ppl, who would never die.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: I don't like my princess shoes with the heels. Me: Do they hurt your feet? 5-year-old: I can't run from zombies.
@Ristolable: [First day of prison] "Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?" Sure, I'll call you. Just give me your cell number *gets stabbed*