“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
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Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!