if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.