If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
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Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Beards are a privilege, not a right
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment