If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
You Might Also Like
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more