Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
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One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
excuse me
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Husband of the year 😂
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*