[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
A man of commitment.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.