If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
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Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.