I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.