@enigmaterics: If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.
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@ArfMeasures: ME: I worked at a zoo for a while THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
@Lisa_Laughs_: fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat... cat: LOL THAT'S SO YOU!
@iYoungKhalifa: She:Hey,Whats up? Me:Onion prices. S:You know what I mean,like What's crackin'? M:Nutshells. S:Really?Fine.What's poppin? M:Corn. *Blocked*
@TheMichaelRock: CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves. Me: I don't rake. CW: Leaves will kill your grass! Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.