“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
79.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.