If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.