If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
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Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup