If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
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I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.