If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
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I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.