(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
You Might Also Like
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Art by Pastelkatto
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Your secret is safeish with me
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯