CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
oh u like geography? name every lake
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Natural selection at its finest
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My dream job is getting paid to dream