If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
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Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
fly smarter, not harder
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I love it all
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can