If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?