If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
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A vampire can鈥檛 enter your home without being invited. But that doesn鈥檛 apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You鈥檙e making this weird.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Get in loser we鈥檙e going crying
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Husband: I鈥檓 going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they鈥檙e chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I鈥檒l see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
馃悥馃惙
馃惤
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? 鈥楥ause your husband鈥檚 out here acting like you don鈥檛 exist.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don鈥檛 flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.