@Sassafrantz: Doctor: where does it hurt? Me: [shows him an empty bag of Cheetos]

@noog: One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I'm what u would call a rebel.

@WilliamAder: Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can't pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

@IGotsSmarts: If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can't even finish this one

@Home_Halfway: FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don? [I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don