If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
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How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
john wicks are toilet candles
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
got so much cardio in today
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.