@iGreenMonk: I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something I forgot that I'm so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes

@gerryhallcomedy: me: *turns around in swivel chair* *tents fingers* I guess you never expected to see ME again... Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

@okimstillhungry: Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction Them: This is a corndog

@UnFitz: Doctor, reading chart: "Says here you're improving!" Doctor: "...Oops." *slowly turns chart rightside up*

@RobDenBleyker: This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.