If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
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Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.