gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.