@just1fool: If you ask me to go get "Eyetalian" food with you, our friendship is probably over.
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@OrangeFact: [Court] ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA? BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
@RandomAntics: Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
@KeetPotato: me: "im confused, run that by me again" doctor: "you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that's just what we call the machine"
@JAdomian: Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but "what if the Nazis didn't care about fitness?" comes close.