I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
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I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.