I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
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6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
🙋♀️
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I’m giving up for Lent.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one