These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
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If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy