@sumpeoplelikeit: If you ask me where your glasses are, and they're on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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@blaudiablogan: Sign at the gas station: "Bathroom is no longer available." I can't believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
@JB4Realz: [Marriage Counseling] Wife: He's always messing up even the simplest phrases. Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download...
@CatherineLMK: Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what's going on and you just nod