If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Bootstraps
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
“Huge”.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.