If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
how long have you had this for?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”