violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
ACED my prostate exam!
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Oh yeh? Explain this then
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
you stereotypes are all alike
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.